The Super Heroic Interdimensional Team
by DethShrike13
Summary: Harry Potter, Blade, Kung Lao, and Yugi join forces to keep Shao Khan from using Hitler's Brain to destroy the realms of Fan Fiction.
1. Chapter 1: The Gist of My Fist

1

It was hellish. Out in the killing fields, it was a nightmarish orgy of chaos, death, and destruction. The prophecy was being fulfilled.

"Hey guys," Harry said aloud to his three friends as he watched the war of worlds below. "My fortune cookie was right."

Blade muttered something to himself as he took one last drag from his cigarette and tossed it over the cliff and down into the abyss of writhing bodies, all bumping and grinding to the screams of dying soldiers in an erotic dance called 'Death'. It was forbidden in most Middle Schools.

Yugi took one last look at the card his grandfather was stuck in.

"Grandpa, I hope you can hear me." Tears welled in the boy's eyes as he struggled to continue. "I just wanted you to know that as soon as we save Chuck Norris from Shao Khan, and after I go back home, and I after I play a few children's card games, and after I get TiVo, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get you out of this crappy, Japanese playing card…" Yugi's face went red and he wept for what must have been ages. The sounds of the battle below him seemed miles away, as did the sound of his Grandpa calling him a dick.

Kung Lao gently placed his hand on Yugi's shoulder. He, too, knew how it felt to lose someone, ever since Kaiba killed his half-brother Liu Kang with a Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon that was summoned from the Shadow Realm by Shao Khan using the evil energies harnessed by Hitler's Brain. In a strange way, he was closer to this frail man-boy then he ever was to Liu Kang, which really makes you question why Kung Lao was willing to lay his ass on the line for him. I mean, Liu Kang was dead as dog shit. Getting ripped to pieces by the warring forces of fantasy fan fiction below wouldn't bring him back. Thankfully, no one told him that, so the story went on like so.

"I think it's time we went down and said Hello," Blade cleared his throat as he spoke, placing one hand on the butt of his .44 Magnum and the other on the hilt of his katana. "Don't want the party to get too out of control."

"Should we try to save our friends?" Kung Lao asked, just as Ron Weasley's burning corpse was thrown onto the cliff beside him.

"Why bother?" Harry responded, stepping to the edge. Yugi stood up, wiping away the tears, and joined him. Blade stepped beside the boy, and Kung Lao stood on the opposite end, beside Harry. For the first time, they all looked down at once and absorbed the lunacy and disorder like sponges that could absorb pronouns.

The killing fields were a rolling sea of life and death, intertwined like two young lovers who just picked up The Kama Sutra at Borders. To one side, they saw an enormous dragon bestrode by some douchebag dressed like a pirate or something. The dragon swept down and blasted at a group of emo vampires with it's napalm-like fiery breath, incinerating them nicely. Over on the other side of the field, Voltron and Optimus Prime were either killing each other or fucking. It was hard to tell. Meanwhile, in the center of the battle, an AT-ST had been capsized by The X-Men, with Wolverine leading the charge into the overturned metal behemoth's belly, slashing at it's super special space walls, made out of space metal. It was amazing to think that a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, people could invent walking killer robots and spaceships and such, but they never bothered to come to Earth.

"Are we ready, men?" Yugi shouted, his balls dropping three inches as the Spirit of The Millenium Puzzle overtook him.

"Let's save Chuck Norris…" Blade slowly unsheathed the katana, letting it's slim blade catch the moonlight as he prepared to jump from the cliff.

"And return Hitler's Brain to the Hall of Jewish Freemasons!" Kung Lao added, adjusting the brim of his razor-tipped hat.

"Super Human Interdimensional Team… _Assemble_!!" And with those loud words from Harry, the S.H.I.T.'s jumped off of the cliff of Mount Doom and down into the blood streaked battlefield below, where the fan fiction battle to end all fan fiction battles would take place…


	2. Chapter 2: The Maddenings Beginulate

2

Harry and his two bestest buds, Ron and Hermione, were enjoying lunch at the 'Wizards Only No Muggles, Please' Diner in the worst part of SoHo. Most people don't know this, but SoHo is, like, the Tijuana of the wizarding world. They had just got back from a 'Unicorn Show', and needed some nice diner food to stop their uncontrollable vomiting fits.

"What'll it be, kids?" Asked the waitress, whose nametag read 'Claire'. She had a very nice figure, which was curious considering how fat the name Claire is.

"I'll have a turkey club with chips, please." Harry said, handing his menu to the waitress.

"A salad and dry toast, please." Hermione smiled and did the same. The waitress then looked over to Ron, whose brow was as furrowed as that of a retard on Special Retard Math Test Day.

"Um, to start I'll have the My-Nuh-Strown and a Kay-Nish, please." He said, pointing to the big words and also to the smaller, more confusing words.

"That's minestrone," Hermione corrected him.

"And 'Nish', dumbass." Harry cackled. "The K is silent."

"Anything else?" The waitress asked, trying not to laugh at this feeble-minded ginger's foolhardy attempts to pronounce big boy words.

"Can I have a quickie?" He asked. Hermione and Harry stared on in disbelief. "Why's everyone staring? I just want a quickie. Are you going to give me a quickie or not?" The waitress slapped him, yanked his menu out of his hands and walked away.

After everyone in the diner stopped staring at his red-headed friend, Harry spoke up.

"It's pronounced 'Quiche'."

Just then, the door was kicked down, splinters of cheaply painted and termite-ravaged particle board flying into the faces of the terrified and weak-bladdered old people who were senile enough to think that sitting in front of a door was a good idea. As they rolled backwards onto their brittle and saggy asses, blue light poured into the diner, as well as a howling wind, whose fevered pitch and intense volume was reserved for either God whistling or Satan farting.

Suddenly, as the wind died down and the light faded, there appeared a young man of average height with brown hair in a bowl cut and glasses. He wore a brown tunic and a maroon and yellow striped sweater. He stepped forward, over the bodies of the now screaming and BM-ing old bastards and/or bitches, until he stood over Harry, staring him down as though he were Butch Cassidy, and Harry his lover Sundance.

"Are you my bizarre clone?" Harry asked, standing up. Indeed, now that they stood nose to nose, it was impossible not to notice that both young men were identical in every way.

"I'm seeing double," Ron said, rubbing his eyes like a stupefied cartoon character. "_Four_ Harry's?"

"I'm not Harry Potter," said the one who had just entered the scene. "My name is Artemis Fowl. And you, Harry, are going to die today."

"What, is this like, a crossover with The One, or something?" Harry asked. "Why is my duplicate trying to kill me?"

"I'm _not _your duplicate." The Other Har—I'm sorry, 'Artemis' said. "I'm Artemis Fowl, and I'm completely different from you in every way. But the biggest difference between us is that I'm going to be the Scion of Books, and not you. You've made enough money for one Young Person's Fantasy Character. It's time for people to start reading my books."

"Oh, right." Hermione nodded her head as she suddenly realized who this other Harry was. "You just had a book put out about you, right? You're supposed to be a bard or something."

"I'm _not _Beetle the Bard either! I'm Artemis Fowl! Haven't you people ever heard of me?"

The diner was silent.

"I'm an international thief. I kidnap people and hold them for ransom. That's definitely cooler than being a sissy wizard and being in high school for eight years."

"My nine-picture move deal seems to disagree." Harry deadpanned. Instantly the diner sprang to life with patrons who wanted nothing more than to high five Harry for thinking up such a dry, cool line at such an important moment. Those who were granted said high fives felt like Gods.

"That's it, Potter." Artemis threw his tunic and scarf off, revealing a body suit decorated with all sorts of gadgets, gizmos, whoozits and whatzits. And also guns. Lots and lots of guns. "You're fucking dead!"

Artemis held his left hand out rigidly, flexing his bicep to throw a blast of concussive energy out of his Wrist-Blaster and at Harry, who was thrown clear across the room and into a floor-to-ceiling wine rack. Several of the bottlenecks cracked and stabbed at Harry's young body through the thick protection of his gray-blue Cardigan, pocking the back of it with black stains as he fell to the tile floor with a sickening slap. If you want to know what it sounded like, take some raw chicken, get it wet, and slap it across your kitchen counter. _Ugh_, doesn't that sound painful?

"Suck on that, Richie Rich!" Artemis cried, removing a large laser cannon from a holster attached to his thigh. "And for the record, I have a movie in the works, too. It's going to have Fred Savage in it. And Smash Mouth is doing the soundtrack!"

"People haven't liked Smash Mouth in years…" Harry groaned, pulling the glass shards out of his back with the rarely seen Glass-Get-Out-Of-Back spell. "And Fred Savage was nowhere near as talented as his much better looking brother!" And with that scientific fact, Harry threw a wave of bats out of his wand; the standard Bats-Get-Out-Of-Wand ploy.

"Help me!" Artemis screamed like a Saudi Arabian bombing an Israeli bus station. Or maybe it's the other way, I don't know. "It was revealed in book two that I hate bats!"

"Yeah? Well it was revealed in book four that you're going down like a passenger on Flight 93!"

The diner went silent again. This time, everyone stared at Harry.

"Too soon?" Harry asked meekly, just as Artemis punched him in the face, shattering his glasses.

"My image!" He cried, fumbling for his fractured frames like a three-year-old struggling to cram a fork into a toaster. Artemis responded with a roundhouse kick that would have snapped Harry's neck if this wasn't a fan fiction. He then grabbed the boy wizard by his collar and proceeded to strangle him, his own grubby mitts wrapping like small, pink Anacondas around a neck-shaped goat.

"You know what I'm gonna do after I kill you?" Artemis spat into Harry's face. Harry shook his head side to side; 'No', in case you're from the South. "I'm gonna edit your Wikipedia page."

"Never!" Harry cried out. "I know the webmaster!" Harry then drove his skull straight into Artemis' nose, shattering it like the window of a synagogue on Kristallnacht. Blood flew from the boy's nostrils, writing a roadmap in red down his face, and he went reeling backward into a barrel of egg soakings.

Standing up, Harry dusted himself off before turning to address the crowd.

"Worry not, my beloved fans." He began, not noticing that Artemis was lifting himself out of the egg brine, one hand wrapped around the barrel of a laser cannon. "My trademark sweater from the third one remains only mildly damaged."

Harry's attempts to assuage any fan girls that might've snuck into the wizards-only diner were cut off by the sound of a laser cannon blasting him in the back. He cried out in pain, but it was only momentary. A second passed him by like an eternity, and he fell to the floor, unconscious.

"I win!" Artemis shouted, holding his laser cannon high in the air, kicking his legs like a Russian dancer working at a sleazy club but only on the weekends to pay for her Mother's dialysis. "Finally, I can die knowing that my greatest achievement was _not_ beating 'Hangar 18' on Expert difficulty."

"Way to go, Harry." Ron said, patting Artemis on the back. "Way to teach that imposter a lesson."

"I'm _not _Harry Fucking Potter!" Artemis screamed just before he was incinerated by a blast of pure magical energy, flung from the tip of Harry's wand.

"No," Harry said, standing over the pile of dust that once was a completely unheard of Young Person's Fantasy character. "I am."

"So you were the real Harry all along?" Ron asked, his face twisted by the face-twisting grasp of quizzicality.

"I wonder what he was talking about," Hermione thought aloud, staring down at the heap of ashes on the floor. "The Scion of Books and all that."

"I wonder when you'll shut up and make us dinner." Harry cracked, snapping his fingers in the air, forming an invisible H. Translation: hey-_hey_-hey!

"Oh snap!" Ron cried, covering his mouth in a deadly cocktail of amusement and fear. Amusement at Harry's near-perfect imitation of the lead black woman from Room 222, and Fear for what Hermione would undoubtedly put into their dinners once she actually got around to making them.

After signing a few twelve-year-old's boobs, Harry and his friends left, ignoring the small, plastic calling card that was adrift in the pile of ashes. It was bright orange with a green stripe, and read: "FIND THE SCION, FULFILL THE PROPHECY."


	3. Chapter 3: The Tears of a Pikachu

3

Yugi scratched his chin, wondering if it was normal for a healthy fifteen-year-old to not have any pubic hair. His eyes scanned slowly across the cards in his hand, whilst beneath him, on the holographic playing field, his Dark Magician was making masturbatory gestures with his big, heavy wand. Translation: this kid's a dick.

"I summon…" Yugi thrust one hand up towards the sky dramatically, as his eyes tightened and his face intensified. "Brutal Axe-Slamming Bastard!"

Soon, a flash of light erupted out of the playing field, and this guy who looked like Nathan Explosion but with an axe jumped out of the ground.

"Brutal Axe-Slamming Bastard, attack Joey's life points directly!" Yugi screamed, just as his monster destroyed what was left of his best friend's life points.

"Nyeh!" Joey cried in his thick New York accent. Also, they're all Japanese. I don't know how Joey got that accent, but I guess in Japan all poor people talk like they're from Brooklyn and/or the 1920's. "I just got my ass handed to me by a kid who's balls haven't dropped! Boy, do I suck!"

"Well, Joey, if you'd played that combo I showed your sister last night, maybe things would've ended better. They certainly ended well for me!" Joey's friend Tristan joked, wrapping his arm around Joey's neck. Joey's face grew as red as a tomato who was covered in blood. And used steroids. Tomato steroids.

"Nyeh, stay away from my sister, doc!" Joey weaseled, sticking a fresh carrot into his mouth and chewing away. "Every night I'm at home trying to play children's card games while my mother screams at me to get a job like a normal twenty-two-year-old, and now I have to deal with my scummy friend trying to plant a bone in my sister's front yard?"

"Who said anything about the front yard?" Tristan laughed, just as Joey's eyes seized up with Brooklyn Rage.

"Guys, calm down. We have to keep Yugi and, to a much lesser extent, Joey focused so he can train!" Tea whined. She was the only girl in the group, and as close as any of them would get to a girlfriend. She was in love with Yugi's split personality, the Spirit of the Millennium Puzzle AKA Yami. What she found so attractive about a fifteen-year-old punk with no pubic hair, a bizarre fetish for card games, and a split personality I haven't the slightest.

"Yeah, let's keep playing Joey!" Yugi said, restarting the holographic playing field that his Grandfather kept in the basement beneath his card store/house. Yugi's grandfather had been trapped inside a playing card for the last eight months, and Yugi and his pals were seriously trying to get him out. But, I mean, when the house is all yours you gotta throw a party. And then you have to try out that holographic playing field in the basement for a few months. But really, they were _this_ close to figuring out how to get Grandpa out of the playing card.

"Man, I love children's card games so much!" Joey said, summoning a Red-Eyes Black Dragon on the first turn somehow. "So much better than working or sleeping."

"Didn't we used to go to school?" Tea wondered aloud

"What's so cool about children's card games?" A nasally, wiener-like voice asked from the shadows. Stepping out of it was Scott Malkinson, the little peckerwhip that nobody liked. Scott Malkinson had a lisp, and diabetes.

"Shut up, Scott Malkinson." Tristan shouted, grabbing the little kid by the collar of his Old Navy polo shirt. It instantly ripped, because Old Navy polo shirts are made from tissue paper.

"Yeah, who let you in anyway?" Tea joined in, slapping Scott Malkinson across the face.

"You guys left the door to the card shop open last night. Everyone from school has been walking in and taking things." Scott Malkinson began to explain, just as the door to the basement was blown open by a yellow flash of lightning. It's thick, sharp splinters scattered across the floor before slowly being swallowed up by the shadows of three youngsters…

"So, you're Yugi, the King of Games…" A young man's raspy voice asked. He stepped into the light, revealing himself to be a twelve-year-old boy with black hair, wearing a red cap and blue vest. By his side were two other kids, one who was black(?),and another who was a red-headed girl. All three of them had red and white cue balls attached to their belts, What could only be called a giant yellow rat was curled up on the first kid's shoulder.

"Are you Scott Malkinson's dad?" Yugi asked. "We're drinking and playing children's card games, we really don't think this is an appropriate place for him to be." Yugi approached the kid with the yellow rat, only to be slapped across the face by a hand clad in a fingerless glove.

"I'm Ash Ketchum, and these are my disciples, Brock and Misty. I'm going to kick your ass and become the Scion of Anime!" The boy with the rat explained, giving Yugi and his friends a thumbs up.

"Great, a bunch of crackheads wandered into the card shop." Yugi lamented with a sigh, as Joey patted him on the back.

"Don't worry, Yoog. Back in Brooklyn, where I'm from I guess, we dealt with crackheads all the time. All you need to do is give 'em crack."

"But wait a second," Tea interrupted, "what's 'the Scion of Anime'?"

"It's the person from the world of anime that gets to help save the realms of Fan Fiction!" Misty said, before Ash snapped on her.

"Shut it, woman!" Ash growled. "This is about more than saving the world. This is personal. I used to be the coolest toy amongst rich, stupid white kids. Then you showed up with your duel discs and your spiky hair. But everyone knows I'm the original!"

Yugi got a bad feeling in his stomach. He thought it would be wise to let Yami take over.

"Look, kid, maybe you should just go back home. We don't want to save the world. We just wanna play card games all day. And drink. Can't forget drinking." Yami said, his voice sounding a lot like Ron Burgundy's.

"Well like it or not, this is goin' down!" Ash shouted as the yellow rat on his shoulder jumped into the sky. "Pikachu, _Iron Tail_!!"

The yellow rat's tail glowed hot white, as it backflipped through the air until Yami kicked it into an old laundry basket.

"Please don't throw rats at me." He said calmly.

"Damn! Pikachu's HP ran out!" Misty cried from the sidelines.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Seriously though, get the hell out. I need to practice dueling so I can get my Grandpa out of this card." Yugi held up his Grandpa's soul card to help him explain.

"Aw, man. Even my story is cooler than yours." Ash bitched. "I want to be the Pokemon Master so I can teach kids the value of immense personal greed!"

"Let me try!" Brock said, holding up one of those cue balls I mentioned earlier They were called PokeBalls. "Onyx, go!" Brock threw the PokeBall at Scott Malkinson, cracking his forehead open like a ripe melon.

"Oh my God!" Tea screamed. "They killed Scott Malkinson!"

"You bastards!" Tristan wept, his tears falling onto Scott Malkinson's dead body, which twitched every now and then, because twitching dead bodies are awesome.

Suddenly, white light filled the air, as the PokeBall cracked open, and an enormous dragon made out of pointy-ass rocks wrapped itself around the holographic playing field.

"Bocce balls!" Joey whimpered, cowering behind Yami's comforting shoulders. "Wh-wh-what is that thing? Nyeh!"

"I don't care how long your hard snake is, kid. I'm going to beat it until nothing's left but a handful of white goo!" Yugi flipped through his deck quickly, before finding the card he wanted. "I summon the Dark Magician!" Yugi threw the card at Onyx. Nothing happened.

"Oh crap." Yugi muttered before Onyx crushed him underneath his massive body.

"Nyeh! I can't bear to see my buddy in pain!" Joey cried, running over to a dark corner of the basement. "I better get high." He then fished out a lighter and a joint, and proceeded to blaze up, not realizing the sprinklers were still on.

"Joey, no!" Tristan cried, just as tiny streams of water shot out of the red sprinklers attached to the ceilings. "This small amount of water that could never stop an actual fire will destroy all of our playing cards!"

As Tristan, Tea, and Joey all scrambled to cover their precious, precious playing cards (no, really, do you have any idea how much fat white kids will pay for a mint condition 'Barrel Dragon' on eBay?), Onyx let out a roar of pain.

"No!" Brock cried, rushing to his Pokemon's aid. "A small amount of water will kill Onyx!" Brock tried to spray his Pokemon with one of those 'Potions' that turns out to be, like, a bottle of FeBreeze in the actual Anime. But unfortunately, Onyx was already dead, and was falling rapidly. Brock, much like a DVD pirate in Kazakhstan, was crushed to death.

"Thank God!" Yami cried, rolling out from under Onyx's lifeless corpse. "I couldn't breath underneath those big, black balls."

"Here's your Dark Magician." Tea said, handing Yugi a soaking wet and utterly useless playing card.

"Great. Water damage. There goes my college fund."

"Time for Misty to finish the show!" Misty giggled, acting half-retarded as usual. She danced across the floor, gingerly tossing a PokeBall netween Yami and Tea. Out of it popped a dying fish. "Go, Magikarp!"

The dying fish gasped for air before finally collapsing, dead.

"Why do I always go last?" Misty moaned before Tristan snuck up behind her with a metal folding chair. Cracking it over her head, he cheered aloud.

"Smoke that, bitch!"

Ash could only gape at the destruction around him as he slowly backed towards the door. Turning, he saw the Yami was blocking his path.

"Going somewhere?" The man-boy asked.

"Uh, I take back what I said about wanting to be the Scion of Anime. Here, you take the card." Ash smiled, holding up a bright orange card with a green stripe.

"Holy shit! A children's playing card! Gimme!" Yami swiped the card and ran over to his friends, making sure not to trip over Scott Malkinson's dead body.

As Ash escaped up the stairs and back out into the game store, taking a handful of money from the register as he did so, Yami read the card aloud.

"FIND THE SCION, SAVE THE WORLD."


	4. Chapter 4: Enter the Negro Vampire

4

Bella looked up into the cold, yet open and gentle eyes of her BF Edward, she silently prayed that the fart she'd been holding in since God know when didn't slip out just then. I mean, Christ, I can't think of anything worse than that. They're standing there, holding each other, looking into each other's eyes, and suddenly…_craaaaaacckk_. Hell, if I were Edward and Bella farted on me, I'd just kill her. I mean, I'd be a vampire, so I wouldn't care, but still. Don't fart on me. Go fart on yourself.

"Before I leave you forever, my love…" Edward began, taking his cold, dead paws off of the ass of her skinny jeans only to apply guy-liner. "I just want you to know that those skinny jeans look much better on me."

"You're so right, Edward." Bella said, her heart completely humbled by the handsome, muscular dead guy around whom her arms were wrapped. "Can I give you an HJ before you leave?"

"Huh? Sorry?" Edward apologized, taking the finger out of his nose and flicking his pickings over his shoulder. "Look, I better get moving. Me and my, uh, family have to go away. For vampire reasons. You wouldn't understand."

"Of course, I understand." Bella wept. "You have vampire obligations, like last December when you went to Vegas for Vampire Kwanzaa. Where are you going now?"

"Atlantic City. Vampire Hanukkah." Edward pushed Bella away just as his brother and sister, Jasper and Alice arrived. Alice was happy to be leaving with her brothers, as she had never been to Atlantic City and was blissfully unaware of how horrible it was. Jasper on the other hand, was pissed off, as he generally always was. It might've had something to do with the fact that his name was Jasper. That's a dog name, not a person name.

Just as Edward was about to lead his family as far away as possible from Bella and Shitsplat, Washington, a burly, bearded vampire appeared, accompanied by two cohorts, because this is _Twilight_, and every vampire has cohorts.

"Well, if it isn't Edward and the Cullens…" The vampire said. His two cohorts laughed at this. He was Jacob, and he was a dick. Also, the black vampire, Ray Ray, was there. Of course, he wasn't really black in the book. He was only black in the movie because Hollywood fears nothing more than political incorrectness. Of course, making a minor villain who has all of two lines black really doesn't mean anything. But I digest…

"Oh great," Edward groaned. "This guy. What is it, Jacob?"

"Well, if it isn't question and answer time." Jacob snarled.

"Jacob, please, I'm trying to…" Edward motioned over his shoulder at Bella who was busy waving goodbye like a twelve-year-old at the end of a Jonas Brothers concert. He made a platform with one hand and made two legs out of his middle and index finger; these legs walked off the platform in a comical, springy fashion. Translation: I'm leaving my snootch, as my 'human fever' has passed me.

"Well, if it isn't Mr. Dine 'n Dash." Jacob laughed. His cohorts, Ray Ray and Megan Fox, laughed as well.

"Jacob, if you don't let us go, I'm going to write a very nasty poem about you. In red ink. On my _blog_, so everyone can read it!"

"Well, if it isn't Mr. Whine 'n Rhyme!" Jacob cackled, sending his cohorts into stitches. They laughed so hard they didn't even see Edward, Alice, and Jasper walk past them and down the road out of Shitsplat, Jasper holding a cardboard sign that read: ATLANTIC CITY OR BUST.

Behind the nearby bushes, Blade was watching through special binoculars he'd built for just such an occasion. All the other Daywalkers had mocked him for creating binoculars designed solely to see whiny teenage vampires, but now who was laughing? Blade, that's who. But not really, because Blade was far too black and surly laugh. But he was pissed off enough to kill. He rested one hand on the hilt of his katana as he prepared to leap into the scene and decapitate that poor white girl with nut-breath, when suddenly a man dressed in a purple velvet cowboy suit caught his eye. He was crouching in the bush next to Blade's, and was also watching the teenage vampires with special binoculars.

"Hey." Blade whispered. The cowboy didn't hear him. "Hey!"

"May I help you?" The cowboy asked.

"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing here?" Blade asked, putting his sword away.

"I'm the Foolkiller." The cowboy said, smiling. "Trust me, I'm an actual superhero."

"Do you have powers?" Blade asked, moving closer. He had a certain ability to gain a naïve white man's trust even though he was a big scary black guy. It was called 'fame'. Everyone knew who Blade was by this point in time, thanks to his three blockbuster films, and no one had witnessed the abomination that was the Blade television series.

"No, but I have a gun that dissolves stupid people." Foolkiller said, taking out a unique invention that looked like a big silver screw gun. "It's called a purification gun."

"May I see it?" Blade smiled, extending one hand. Foolkiller graciously handed it over to him.

"Be careful not to point it at m--," Foolkiller couldn't finish his sentence, as he was instantly dissolved by the purification gun.

"It works!" Blade laughed. He then pocketed the purification gun for later, as now was the time to launch an assault on a few angsty familiars.

"Nobody move!" Blade shouted as he grabbed Bella by the throat with one hand and pointed his .44 Magnum at Edward and the others with his free one. "Keep those fangs where I can see 'em!"

"Well, if it isn't Mr. Grab 'n Gun." Jacob laughed, mere moments before Blade blew his brains all over Megan Fox's tits. Immediately, everyone blew a huge sigh of relief.

"Thank you, sir." Jasper said, putting down the cardboard sign and walking up to Blade, who still had Bella by the throat. She was turning purple and her tongue was swelling up, but nobody cared. All the fan girls who read _Twilight_ hate Bella anyway. "Let me shake your hand."

Blade stuck the gun up to Jasper's nose and blew his brains out, too.

"Well, at least I don't have to listen to him complaining about how we thought he was a dog when we named him." Edward muttered, before Blade fired another shot into the nighttime sky above the Shitsplat woods.

"I said nobody move, or else I'll snap this bitch's neck like a twig." Blade barked. Beneath him, Bella shot one limp and weak arm out towards Edward, who was motioning for the rest of the vampires to keep moving.

Blade growled, dropping Bella to the grass below and leaping into the sky as though he were Michael Flatley, but without the alcoholism and child molestation.

Landing in front of Edward and the others, Blade slashed wildly with his katana, slicing Megan Fox in half. Her blood showered over the others, mussing their hair and running their guy-liner mildly.

"What the fuck?!" Edward screamed. "You fucking asshole! My fucking guy-liner is ruined because of you! You fucking piece of shit!"

Blade interrupted Edward's string of fuck-words by impaling his genitals on the katana. Needless to say, Edward was speechless, whilst behind him, Bella wept a single tear for the lost wang. A silent prayer went out from her heart to God, pleading with him to let her keep that precious ding-dong in a jar of vinegar, so she could have something to talk to at night.

"I'll say it again," Blade replaced his .44 Magnum with a Mossberg 590 Automatic Shotgun. "Nobody move."

Out of the corner of his eye, Blade could see Ray Ray approaching stealthily. That's pretty impressive, considering Blade always wears sunglasses, even though he's a Daywalker, so it shouldn't matter. But again, I depress…

"Not so fast, Count Chocula!" Blade rolled on his heels, narrowly escaping Ray Ray's mighty fist, which plunged into the ground, hurting no one other than the family of sleeping rabbits that were instantly crushed within their own burrow. Ray Ray tried to pull up, but the dead rabbits were way too heavy, because there was a lot of them, and they were just so cute. He was trapped.

Ray Ray looked up, fear glinting in his eyes, only to see Blade's Mossberg blow him away. Blade laughed, before cracking off his signature dry humor.

"Ha ha. I'm laughing because you're dead and I'm alive." Ba-doom-BAH! Comic genius.

Lowering the Mossberg, Blade looked up and saw Alice running into the woods. She was too far ahead for either the Magnum or the Mossberg, leaving Blade with only one option.

One leather-clad hand snapping instantly to his ankle holster, Blade withdrew a folding glaive. Rearing back and tossing it like an Austrian would a boomerang (boomerangs are from Austria, right?), Blade's glaive sailed through the sky like a clipper through calm seas. The glaive found the back of Alice's head nicely, and stuck into her skull like Prince sticks to fat white chick booty.

"Six down, one to go." Blade whispered as he turned, just before Edward's cold hand landed on his shoulder.

"Excuse me," Edward growled in the way only a pissed off prepubescent little shit can. "I believe you mean five-and-a-half."

"Like I said…" Blade grinned, pointing the Mossberg over his shoulder and pulling the trigger. "Six down, one to go."

As Blade approached, Bella crawled back in terror, her eyes wide with fear. Behind him, she could see the bodies of her one-time friends, new reduced to fat, bleeding sacks.

"You've scarred me for life…" Bella whimpered, looking up to the man who had just murdered all of her friends. He had placed the Mossberg back into it's holster over his left shoulder, and the katana was tucked neatly beneath his jacket. "I'll have to live with this survivor's guilt forever."

"No you won't." Blade smiled, pointing the purification gun at Bella's forehead. "This gun instantly kills stupid people."

"Are you calling me stu--,"

Blade fired the ray. The answer was 'Yes'.

After taking all of their wallets and collecting their fangs to make a necklace for this girl he was seeing, Blade decided to call it a night. Exiting along the path out of the Shitsplat woods, forged when a gaggle of Klansmen went a-lookin' for mushrooms out in the wilderness, Blade soon came to the place where he swore he had parked, only to find his vehicle had been stolen, probably by Klansmen on mushrooms.

Fuck-words falling from his mouth like whitefish giblets from the jowls of an obese cat, Blade turned around, only to be blinded by a bright purple light, which enveloped him like some gay colored beam of some sort.

Tractor beam, that's what I was thinking of.


	5. Chapter 5: Insert Midway Lawsuit Here

5

Blade awoke in what appeared to be a round stone temple of some sort. On the floor beneath him, ancient scripture had been written. These words circled around and around the circumference of the floor, coming to a point in the center of the temple. The center was decorated with a star, and on that star stood a large, muscular man.

The man wore a white gi with a blue vest. A wide-browed wicker hat, much like those worn by Vietnamese soldiers, hung low over his eyes, so that only two shining white lights could be seen poking out from its shade.

"Greetings, mortals." The man said. His voice was booming and deep, yet gentle, and sincere, like a beautiful woman talking into a voice modulator set to 'Satan'. "I am Raiden, Elder God and Protector of Earthrealm."

Blade looked around and saw others had been brought to this place as well. Beside him was a young Japanese boy with purple and yellow spiky hair. He was wearing a blue school uniform, and had what appeared to be the pimpest pyramid of all time hanging off of his neck.

Beyond the Japanese kid with the medallion stood a very pissed off twelve-year-old white kid in a Cardigan. He had a bowl cut and wore coke-bottle glasses. A red lightning bolt hung from beneath his bangs.

"You have been summoned here to be the Scions of your respective realms of Fan Fiction; Comics, Anime, and Books. A great war is coming," Raiden would've gone on, but the kid with those glasses had taken out a twig from under his sleeve and thrown a fireball at Raiden. The fireball did little to faze the man in white.

"I will ask you to please stop throwing fireballs at me, or else I will take that wand away from you." Raiden seemed mildly pissed at having to start over. He tried to pick up from where he was, but he kept forgetting what he was going to say. Also, that Harry kid kept trying to kill him, and eventually Raiden just gave up.

"Let us explain, Master Raiden." A young man in a Chinese Royal Guard's uniform stepped forward. The uniform was very fancy, and one might have thought, until you'd read the strategy guide, that he was dressed as a Matador, especially because of the big black hat he had on. "My name is Kung Lao, and this is my half-brother, Liu Kang."

Kung Lao waved an arm towards a slowly opening door. In walked a small, skeletal man with a big black mullet. He was dressed like Bruce Lee.

"Wassup, gangsta's? You ready to party with Liu Kang?" The skinny man screamed, jumping into the air and performing spinning kicks and whatnot. "That's right, we party old school! Ay-ay-ay!"

"I ask that you please ignore his requests to party. He is an idiot." Kung Lao quietly explained. "However, we let him sleep here, because he is family."

"That's right! I rule, baby!" Liu Kang started to break dance in front of Blade and the others, even the still-unconscious Japanese kid. After he started to flex his pectorals while kissing his own biceps, Kung Lao gently led him away.

"Thank you for illuminating us, Kung Lao." Raiden said in an authoritative tone. "Now, you all have your mission, get cracking." Raiden was about to turn his back, when Blade spoke up.

"Wait, would you mind telling us what the fuck is going on?" As Blade spoke, Liu Kang came rushing up, throwing out 'gangstas' and 'nizzles' left and right. Before Kung Lao could save his brother, Blade kicked him in he balls.

The sound of testicles being stomped awoke young Yugi, who had, up until that point, been dreaming about copping a feel off of Tea whilst laying in a puddle of his own slobber.

"Yami, what happened?" Yugi asked his other self.

"It appears you've been kidnapped by Al-Qaeda." Yami muttered, floating in the air all ghostly and such. "They know you've been masturbating on the roof again! Quick, Yugi, grab a gun!"

"I can't help it!" Yugi started to scream aloud. "I love masturbating on my roof at night!"

The temple was silent. Well, except for everyone pointing and laughing.

"Ha! What a dork!" Liu Kang kept shouting after the laughter had faded. "Everyone must hate him! He's not like me at all, because I am very cool and liked by everyone! Ha!"

"Yami, why did you embarrass me?" Yugi asked under his breath.

"Because I love fucking with you, kid!" Yami laughed.

"Enough talk of masturbation and the definition of 'Nizzle'." Raiden commanded. "It appears I forgot to say what I was going to say. Let me reiterate…"

Hours later, Harry, Blade, and Yugi were left with their jaws on the floor. Well, not Blade. I guess that would be out of character for him. And Harry, too, because Harry's used to hearing about how the world is going to end. But Yugi definitely was surprised. And so was Liu Kang, because he'd forgotten that that was why he was there.

"So you're saying an evil Outworld emperor named Shao Kahn is using an evil tool of unknown origin to bring together the realms of Fan Fiction under his iron-fisted rule?" Yugi asked, shocked.

"Yes, that's what I just finished saying." Raiden said, putting away the finger puppets he had used to get his point across.

"But how do you know we're the ones for the job?" Blade asked.

"I managed to track you by these locator cards." Raiden held up one of the orange and green cards. "If you have one, then you're in." As Raiden spoke, Harry and Yugi fished out their own respective cards, and re-read its important message.

"But I don't have one." Blade said. "Or at least no one ever gave one to me."

"Oh, didn't they?" Raiden pointed to the pocket in Blade's jacket which held the purification gun. Blade slowly took it out, and saw that someone had put an orange and green card into it's chamber. Why a ray gun has a chamber, I'll never know, but this one did.

"The Foolkiller…" Blade muttered as Raiden went on.

"These cards were scattered, given to those who would give them to their true owners. You defeated the last in line for the titles of Scions. Therefore, you are all Scions."

"So what must we do to stop this merging of worlds?" Harry asked through a yawn.

"You must venture to Helm's Deep, battle the forces of Fan Fiction up to Mount Doom, then destroy Shao Kahn's weapon of evil." Raiden stepped off of the star as he spoke. "As is tradition or something, a Fatality must be performed atop Mount Doom, lest the evil merely be used again and again by more and more villains. And that would get extremely repetitive."

"I see." Blade stroked his goatee. "We stop Shao Kahn by disarming him and destroying his weapon in the fires of Mount Doom. Then, we kill him, and all of his evil we be erased."

"Okay, you guys need to stop copying me. It's pissing me off." Raiden glared. "Seriously? Are you really going to fuck with me? Bitch, I'm Raiden, God of Thunder! You're just a stereotypical tough-talking black guy!"

Just then, an explosion rattled through Raiden's temple. The columns behind the heroes were all shattered, their heavy bodies kicking up tidal waves of dust as they destroyed the floor beneath them. Raiden managed to lead the others to a safe passageway in the back of the temple, as they watched a floating pirate ship being pulled by unicorns docking in the crater of a wall in Raiden's Temple.

Slowly, the bow opened like a garage door, and out walked a freakishly muscular man wearing some asshole's skull as a hockey mask. He slung an enormous man-purse over his shoulder, and the banana hammock he wore swung to and fro with the regularity of a grandfather clock. All in all, he looked spectacularly gay. He was… SHAO KAHN!!

"'Sup, bitches?" Shao Kahn cried, his voice reminiscent of Tony the Tiger's. "Ready to have your world crushed and assimilated by my Axis of Evil?"

"Good lord!" Yugi cried out. "A team of villains? Who's ever heard of such a fabulously original concept?"

"That's right, you little wiener. Behold, my Axis… of Evil! Ha ha ha!" Shao Kahn stepped out of the way dramatically, a malevolent smile stapled to his jaw. After a few minutes of boring nothingness, Shao Kahn excused himself and shouted, 'Now!' into the opening. Soon, villains appeared!

"Presenting the head of KaibaCorp, the most evil corporate executive since Steve Jobs, Seto Kaiba!" Kaiba stepped out of the boat, a duel disk strapped to his forearm.

"Hello, little Yugi. I didn't think you'd be available to save the world. Last I heard, you were still trying in to get Tea to shuffle your deck."

"Hi-yooo!" Shao Kahn laughed.

"Well, my wrist cramps up when I do it by myself, so…" Yugi realized everyone was still laughing at him and let Yami take over.

"Yes, well at least I don't spend my time floating around in a boat with a muscular homosexual, you nutsack." Yami retorted.

"Oh snap, dog!" Liu Kang giggled.

"For your information, I'm only here because Shao Kahn and I both have stock in Halliburton." Kaiba said, shaking a fist at his rival. "And by the way, that's very funny when you stop and think about it!"

"No time, Kaiba!" Shao Kahn ushered Kaiba to the side and introduced his next team mate. "Now, I give you a bloodsucker as old as time itself, created by the most evil cancer patient of all time, Jim Henson! I give you… The Count!"

"Bleh, bleh!" Cried the purple little vampire as he entered the destroyed temple. "On, two, three! Three dead douchebags! Ah-ah-ah! Bleh!"

No one spoke, but in his mind, Blade was screaming out obscenities like a drunken fourteen-year-old at a frat party. The Count had killed his father and raped his mother. The Count _was a dead man_. But that was because he was a vampire. To make a long story short, Blade wanted to shoot The Count.

"Finally, a creature of pure evil; a vile dark wizard whose name cannot be spoken aloud!" Shao Kahn began, just as Voldemort stepped out.

"Yeah, look Shao Kahn, everyone knew it was going to be me. I mean who else would Harry's villain have been? Snape? Please, he's a joke." Voldemort said.

"Voldemort, you black asshole!" Harry screamed. "You murdered my family! I swear to God in Heaven, I'll drink your blood, and strangle you with your own intestines! Aaaaagggghhh!"

"Yeah, sure, kid. Hey, Shao Kahn, when do I get paid?"

"The stage is set…" Raiden whispered, stepping between the heroes. "Three Scions already chosen, and one left to be discovered amongst my two students. This battle will determine who goes to Mount Doom…"

Raiden's cold eyes scanned across the ruins of his temple, electricity crackling on his flexing muscles. He cleared his throat before straightening out his back, lifting his head up, and shouting…

"MORTAL KOMBAT!!"


	6. Chapter 6: Two Ancillary Characters Die

6

"MORTAL KOMBAT!!" Raiden screamed, as Yami, Blade, and Harry leapt into combat. Kung Lao and Liu Kang soon followed suit, although for Liu Kang it was less 'combat', and more 'breakdancing'.

The villains would also charge into battle, save Shao Kahn, who was fishing for something in his man purse while his compatriots rushed headlong into battle. A sly grin spread across his face as he found what he was looking for…

"Behold!!" Shao Kahn cried, lifting up a large mason jar full of vinegar. Inside was a pulsing pinkish gland, and across it was a piece of masking tape with 'HITLER' written on it in magic marker. "I have Hitler's Brain!"

"Holy shit!" Everyone said at once. A moment passed, before Liu Kang wondered aloud, 'who is Hitler'.

"That's right, the most evil mind in all of creation is inside this pickle jar, and with it's evil energies, I shall turn Raiden's Sky Temple into Shao Kahn's Temple of Douchebaggery! Ha ha!" Shao Kahn laughed on, as his beefy paws held Hitler's Brain into the sky. Just then, black bolts of energy blasted out of the mason jar, striking everyone in the room, good and evil alike. Even Shao Kahn was struck. "Taste the power of pure darkness!"

Kaiba looked down at the duel disk he had brought and saw that it had been modified by Hitler's evil. Where once it was an ordinary duel disk like in the Anime, now it was all fleshy and veiny, like Satan's forearm. The place where the cards came out was now a mouth full of fangs, and also cards. The part where you put the cards you want to play was now a long and bony bat's wing. "That's actually pretty cool." Kaiba mused as he drew five cards from his deck. "Let's duel!"

Kaiba sprinted across the temple and at Yami, who also held his deck, but no duel disk.

"Crap!" Yami shouted. "How can I play a children's card game without the $59.99 chunk of battery-operated plastic needed to hold my cards?"

"Yami, just use your hands, or your pockets!" Yugi said, floating around Yami's head.

"My hands?!" Yami started screaming, trying to swat Yugi away like a fly. "What is this, Rwanda? It's the 21st Century, dammit. I'm not using my hands for anything!"

Across the room, Blade and The Count were locked into a tempestuous and fast-paced swordfight, flying through the air and running on the ceiling, just like in _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon_. It was like a beautiful ballet, except without music or choreography. Also, the dancers were trying to kill each other. But Blade's endurance was running, low, and he knew this duel couldn't last forever. In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to keep his leather jacket on, but hey, he's Blade.

"Bleh, why don't you succumb to your vampiric urges, bleh?" The Count taunted Blade, who was sweating enough to drown a frickin' monkey.

"I'll never be like you, scum bag! You murdered my father!" Blade grunted, slashing at The Count with his katana. The Count's rapier glanced off of Blade's sword and cut through the air by Blade's left ear.

"No, Blade, bleh." The Count seemed to plead, even as his sword clashed against Blade's. "I, bleh, _am_ your father, bleh!"

"That can't be true!" Blade cried, dropping his sword.

"No, it isn't, but I did screw your mother, bleh! Ah-ah-ah!" The Count cackled. "On, two, three! Three used condoms at your Mom's house! Bleh!"

The Count would've gone on if Blade hadn't shot him in the throat.

Meanwhile, Harry was having an equally frustrating time with his arch-enemy, the sinister Lord Voldemort.

"Die, bastard!" Harry screamed, his voice cracking like the prepubescent punk he was. A bolt of magical energy flew from the tip of his wand and towards Voldemort, who deflected the attack effortlessly.

"Look, kid, I keep asking you, and now I'm telling you; stop trying to kill me." Voldemort grunted.

"This is revenge!" Harry went on, all the while throwing magical attacks at his enemy. "You killed my parents and tried to kill me!"

"Harry, that's the thing," Voldemort deflected another magical blast of energy as he rubbed at one of his temples. He was having a migraine. He had tried to see a doctor about it, but the doctor had said it would need a specialist's opinion, and that the specialist was across town, and eventually Voldemort just said fuck it. "I killed your parents, I've defeated Dumbledore, I have an entire army of murderers under my command, and yet you seem to think you alone can stop me. That is just poor reasoning, dude."

"I am the Chosen One!!" Harry's face went red as he screamed this, before charging at Voldemort, who held him off by putting one hand against the boy's forehead.

"Yeah, Chosen to be a dildo." Voldemort muttered under his breath.

As Shao Kahn watched the battle rage on, he could feel the power of Hitler's Brain swelling. With each punch landed, more and more rage receptors.

"Yes, yes," Shao Kahn groaned, licking his lips. "Fight and struggle! Your suffering gives me wood!"

"Hey, Shao Kahn," Raiden sneered as he charged Outworld's evil emperor. "where did you get that fag-bag? Urban Outfitters?"

"Urban Outfitters is a very cool store, and not at all lame or dorky!" Shao Kahn shouted, slipping Hitler's Brain back into his man-purse. "And this isn't a 'fag-bag'. It's a man-purse."

Raiden's taunts were merely a distraction, however. Raiden knew that calling Shao Kahn's man-purse a fag-bag would make Shao Kahn go into a lengthy diatribe about how he wasn't gay, because Shao Kahn was a closet homosexual. This gave Kung Lao just enough time to strike!

"Die, tyrant!" Kung Lao yelled, flying through the air and throwing his razor-brimmed hat at Shao Kahn. Unfortunately, Kung Lao's battle cry was all the warning Shao Kahn needed, and he deflected the hat back at Kung Lao with one swipe of his meat-cleaver forearm.

"How come whenever someone calls me a tyrant they automatically have to try and kill me immediately after?" Shao Kahn complained as Kung Lao caught his hat and slipped it back onto his cranium. "Why can't I ever just talk with someone?"

"Be careful, Kung Lao!" Raiden warned the young monk, as they both threw their fists and feet at Shao Kahn's face. "If you listen to him bitch about his problems, you'll catch his gay!"

"Let's talk about my curtains!!" Shao Kahn shouted, grabbing both men by their throats and tossing them to the side.

"Man, he's gay…" Kung Lao sputtered before passing out.

"How dare you defend yourself from our attempts on your life, evil-doer?" Raiden cried, flying at Shao Kahn head first. Electricity flew from his eyes and fingertips, filling the air with a loud and powerful crack when his attack struck it's target.

"Jesus fuck!" Shao Kahn screamed as his body convulsed, smoke pouring from his eyes. Raiden was shooting twenty thousand volts up his ass, enough to fry a shoplifter tried in Texas.

"Smoke that, bitch." Raiden deadpanned, as Liu Kang danced onto the scene.

"Hey guys, look!" Liu Kang called for everyone's attention as he applied a thick coat of shaving cream to his face. "I'm an old man!"

Yami heard this and was distracted. He did not notice that Kaiba had summoned three Blue Eyes White Dragons and used Polymerization to summon the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon. Hey, you gotta admit, Liu Kang's bit was pretty funny, so you can see how Yami would be distracted.

"Prepare to die Yugi!" Kaiba shouted.

"I'm Yami now." Yami informed him politely.

"I apologize profusely!" Kaiba kept on shouting. "Prepare to die Yami!"

"Why do you want to kill me again?" Yami asked.

"I have inferiority issues!" Kaiba shouted even louder. "Now, Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon, NEUTRON BLAST ATTACK!!!"

The three heads of the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon all reared back, their mouths agape and gathering white hot energy, until they all whipped forward, propelling one enormous ball of energy hurling straight towards Yami.

"You can take over, right kid?" Yami said, quickly switching with Yugi.

"Hey, what's this big thing hurling towards me?" Yugi wondered aloud, just as Liu Kang stepped in front of him.

"Wassup, little gangsta?" He asked, doing The Robot. "You wanna party with Liu Kang?"

"Liu Kang, no!" Raiden screamed. Alas, 'twas in vain. Just as Liu Kang was informing Yugi that he liked to party old school, the Neutron Blast Attack hit him, scattering his body parts and organs all over the place, but mostly onto Yugi's fragile, adolescent body.

"Holy shit," Kaiba whispered, mouth agape. "Murder is fun!"

"It seems Hitler's Brain's evil energies enable Kaiba to summon duel monsters from the Shadow Realm using the duel disk as a conduit! Yugi, write that down so we'll remember it for next time!" Yami urged, floating above the crippled Yugi, who lay on his side, projectile vomiting uncontrollably.

"Liu Kang…" Raiden whispered solemnly, looking over at Kung Lao's unconscious body. He couldn't help but think, boy if he thinks the concussion he has is going to be bad, wait until he sees the big pile of bloody goo that used to be his half-brother.

For a second, the temple was silent, and both heroes and villains alike were still.

"So, what, is it not cool to fight anymore?" Voldemort asked, just as a heavy broadsword shot upward through Raiden's torso. It was Shao Kahn's trusty sword The Colostomizer, which he kept in a scabbard up his own ass. Pretty clever for a gay guy.

"Ha ha ha!" Shao Kahn laughed, lifting Raiden's twitching body into the air over the smoking battlefield. "I've taken you from behind yet again!"

"You're… so… gay!" Raiden muttered, blood dripping out of his mouth.

"Shut your gab, old man!" Shao Kahn laughed, throwing Raiden into a pile of big rocks with a flick of his wrist. "Now, with no one to stand in my way, I shall rule the realms of Fan Fiction!"

Shao Kahn laughed his big gay ass off, holding The Colostomizer into the air with one hand and Hitler's Brain with the other, until Kung Lao's hat swept in and sliced off Shao Kahn's sword-wielding hand.

"Smoke that, bitch!" Kung Lao quoted his master, smiling as he remembered how much Raiden loved it when his pupils parroted back everything he said to them brainlessly.

"You cut off my hand, you cock!" Shao Kahn bitched. Across the room, Harry caught Voldemort staring at his incapacitated compatriot, and took the time to kick him in the crotch.

"Gah! My Sorcerer's Stones!"

"Villains, assemble!" Shao Kahn cried, rushing into the ship's open bow. Kaiba followed, his dragon retreating to the Shadow Realm, while Voldemort and The Count limped along behind him, each cradling both hands around their respective wounds.

Shao Kahn's Winnebago and it's unicorn draws reared out of the Sky Temple before flying off, with Shao Kahn hanging out the portside window and flipping off the heroes with his one remaining hand.

Meanwhile, inside the destroyed temple, Yugi, Blade, and Harry circled around Kung Lao, who knelt, crying over his fallen master.

"Master!" Kung Lao wept. "What will I tell Liu Kang?"

Harry covered his mouth so no one would hear him snickering.


	7. Chapter 7: Interlude 'Twixt Two Realms

7

After the double homicide, conversation amongst the heroes became painfully awkward and uncomfortable. As they flew over to Mount Doom on one of Raiden's Luck Dragons, no one really knew what to say. Occasionally, Yugi or someone would try to break up the silence with a joke, but no one was really listening.

"Liu Kang used to tell horrible jokes." Kung Lao muttered somberly, spreading a pained grimace of discomfort across Yugi's face like apple butter across a big slice of apple bread.

"What do we have to do when we get to Mount Doom?" Blade asked, leaning forward in his seat.

"I know, let's ask Raiden, the only person who has a freaking clue about anything that's going on!" Harry offered with a smile. "Oops! That's right, he's been murdered. We're dicked; let's just go home."

"Never." Kung Lao said. "We must complete Master Raiden's mission and destroy Shao Kahn once and for all."

"Please, he can't rule the world anymore." Harry scoffed. "He's only got one hand! Who's ever heard of a dictator with a handicap?"

"Shao Kahn's evil knows no bounds. Even if he fails in this attempt, he will try again and again. He must be stopped before he goes too far." Kung Lao said, cracking the reins of the Luck Dragon.

"Murdering your Master and Half-Brother wasn't far enough?" Yugi asked.

"Yugi, don't be foolish." Yami said, floating around above his young ward's head. "Those two were mere plot devices, completely ancillary to the actual story. That'd be like people in our universe crying about Scott Malkinson's death."

"I hate Scott Malkinson." Yugi whispered, before Blade asked him who he was talking to.

"There's Mount Doom now!" Harry shouted, pointing out the window of the Buick which was tied to the Luck Dragon's back. Below them lay a vast and desolate wasteland; a desert of black, almost tar-like sand. In the center of this horrible moor was a brightly burning volcano.

"Helm's Deep is at the foot of Mount Doom," Kung Lao said, pissing off every Lord of the Rings nerd in the world. "We'll park in the Sauron Lot."

Pulling the Luck Dragon underneath the enormous sign plastered with an impish and whimsical caricature of Sauron's weird eye-thing, Kung Lao took a mental note that he was parked between an enormous robotic spider and the Millennium Falcon. He then killed the engine and let the reins go slack in his hands.

"Now, before we go into battle, I suppose it's only fair to let anyone who doesn't want to fight leave." Kung Lao said with a sigh. To his surprise, no one moved. "You're all dedicated to this fight?"

"Hell no." The three others said at once.

"I would've left if you'd said something before we came to the middle of East Bumfuck Nowhere." Harry groaned.

"But I guess since we're here, we might as well kill a couple of innocent Fan Fiction characters, then finish this thing." Blade said, picking up his things as he opened the door on his side.

"Wait, Blade." Yugi said, gently tugging at the vampire slayer's sleeve. While the others got out of the car and urinated behind a pile of rotting Elf corpses, Yugi pointed to the inner pocket of Blade's jacket. "It's time for you to open the envelope I gave you."

Blade reached into his pocket and retrieved the small white envelope, whose flap he opened with one dark finger. Unfolding its contents, Blade saw a crudely drawn picture of himself, Harry, and Kung Lao done with Crayolas. They stood before Shao Kahn, who was apparently hypnotizing Chuck Norris with Hitler's Brain. Over to the side, Yugi lay in a puddle of blood with The Colostomizer in his belly. Atop the chilling picture, Yugi had scrawled 'THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN'.

"Take an art class." Blade said, crumpling Yugi's picture.

"Hey guys, look." Harry said, walking up to Blade and Yugi, Kung Lao tailing him. Harry was holding up a small golden triangle wrapped in plastic. Chinese characters decorated the outside, along with a picture of Chairman Mao. "I found my fortune cookie from the diner!"

"What diner?" Blade asked.

"Never mind, let's find out my fortune." Harry said, cracking open the sweet cookie shell to find the hidden message within, which he then read aloud. "'Today, the prophecy will be fulfilled'. Do you guys think that has anything to do with the huge battle we're all about to join?"

The general consensus was a 'No'.

"Nah, I didn't think so either."

The heroes looked up to the ridge overlooking Helm's Deep, and heard the screams of Mortal Kombat from within. Shadows danced in the night, as fires raged like the warrior's themselves. Lightning flew, winds danced, whilst aces clashed and heads were split. One person's silhouette flew up into the night, an enormous sword stuck in their spine. The poor Fantasy character begged his tormentor to end his pain before his neck was napped like a dry twig.

The heroes all smiled as they listened. Then, a period of silence…

"I don't wanna die!" Harry screamed, running back to the Luck Dragon. Kung Lao caught his collar.

"Get a hold of yourself, Harry!" Kung Lao said, slapping the boy across the face. "This is our mission. We must defeat Shao Kahn!"

"Kung Lao!" Cried a ghostly voice. Kung Lao let Harry go, his eyes transfixed upon two shambling shadows, which lurched forth from the mists of the moor beside the Gandalf lot. Eventually, they walked into the light, revealing themselves to be zombified versions of Raiden and Liu Kang.

"Master? Brother? Is that really you?" Kung Lao asked, eyes wide with surprise. "I though you both were killed."

"You were wrong," Raiden said. "_Dead_ wrong!"

"Ha…" Kung Lao stuttered. "Clever. But seriously, is there anything you could say to us here to sort of, I dunno, up our spirits or something?"

"Sure thing." Raiden groaned like a typical zombie would. "You don't stand a _ghost_ of a chance!"

"Wow, Master…" Kung Lao rubbed his forehead in disbelief. "Does dying make you retarded or something? Why would you make such a bad pun?"

"Shao Kahn's gonna dance all over you!" Liu Kang said, doing The Robot again.

"How do you even have a body? Wait, what is going on here?" Kung Lao asked.

"We've been possessed by Shao Kahn, numb-nuts." Raiden said. "And guess what: he resurrected Chuck Norris. So ha ha, who's laughing now, dickhole?"

"I wasn't laughing," Kung Lao started to feel ashamed of himself for upsetting his Master before realizing, oh yeah, he's not really Raiden. "Wait a minute, you have Chuck Norris? He's the ultimate force of Good in the Universe!"

"Not anymore!" Raiden laughed.

"No one has ever been able to hypnotize him!" Kung Lao argued.

"Not anymore!" Raiden laughed again.

"We'll save Chuck Norris, and get back Hitler's Brain! You'll see!" Kung Lao said with a proud gust of machismo.

"Not anymo- -" Raiden began, before cutting himself off. "Sorry, I thought you were, uh…" Then he sort of trailed off there. After this embarrassment, he wandered back into the shadows from whence he came, dragging along Liu Kang as well.

"Who wants to party with Zombie Liu Kang?" The young undead asked as his Master led him away.

Silence passed like a fart in an elevator, until Harry spoke:

"Who were those people?"

"Never mind that," Kung Lao muttered, turning back to face his friends. "We have a monologue to deliver at the top of the ridge."

Kung Lao then led his comrades back to Chapter One, which was one of those 'start-in-the-middle-of-the-story' things. Sorry, I know those are annoying. I'm sure you were like, 'who is this, Quentin Tarantino?', when in actuality, no, I'm not a fifty-year-old lesbian. By the way, if you've been reading this in one sitting, now's a good time to stop and make a sandwich.


	8. Chapter 8: Meaningless Unfunny Cameos

8

Blade was the first to land, touching down on the warm, blood-stained battlefield with his katana already out of its sheath. Immediately, he was besieged by very familiar familiars.

"Hey dickwad, remember me?" asked one of them, half of his face missing. It was Edward, the douchebag Blade had busted a cap in. Come to think of it, I don't even know how he could form such a coherent sentence with only half a face. "You stabbed me in the dick."

Blade looked around, and saw that these were the same scenester vamp kids he had killed in Shitsplat, Washington. Megan Fox, Ray Ray, even Alice was there, looking all generic and unnecessary.

"Ah, yes." Blade said, standing up so that his clear height advantage would intimidate the circle of undead punks. "It seems like only yesterday I was kicking your white bread asses up and down that national park."

"It happened six hours ago." Said Megan Fox, stepping out from behind her half-faced brother.

"Word." Added Ray Ray.

"Well," Blade began, charging past Megan Fox and Ray Ray and up to Edward, whose one eye was filled with shock. He'd never seen a Daywalker move so fast, nor had he seen a black vampire who didn't just speak in stereotypes. "I guess history repeats itself!"

Edward's shock was soon replaced with agony as Blade's katana shot upwards through his crotch and into his skinny jean-entrenched gullet. Twisting the blade and sending lightning bolts of agony into Edward's spine, Blade sneered, and put one hand onto his .44 Magnum. The Twilight kids were getting closer…

Suddenly, Jasper, who was also there, cried out, "Eragon!", as a big red dragon swept past them, shooting a fireball the size of a Buick.

"That Star Wars rip-off prick!" Megan Fox managed to scream before being incinerated.

Megan Fox's dying words brought pause to Blade, whose katana was still inside Edward's convulsing groin. The battle was raging all around him, Fantasy character on Fantasy character. It was truly the ultimate battle. He also noticed that none of his compadres had landed near him. They, like he, were scattered in a sea of rage, being tossed about like midgets in a mosh pit. They needed his help, and the only way they could all defeat Shao Kahn together would be to meet at Mount Doom's summit.

"Looks like our tea party is over, kid." Blade said, taking his sword out of Edward and running between the crowds of fighting assholes.

"You win this round, Blade!" Edward shouted, shaking his fists in the air. "But heed my words, Daywalker. I shall not easily be crushed!"

Seconds later, Edward was crushed by a felled AT-AT.

Across the fiery war zone of Helm's Deep, Yami was busy fending off a gang of Predators with his children's trading cards. You might think this was difficult, and you'd think right.

"Dammit, they don't run away when I throw trading cards at them!" Yami grunted, dodging one of the Predator's claw swipes. Their were four of them, all armed to the teeth with those laser spears and big claw things and whatnot. However, instead of taking him on all at once, the Predators preferred to try one at a time to kill him, while the others laughed, pointed, and drank Space Wine.

"Wait a minute, Yami," Yugi appeared, hovering over Yami's shoulder. "Why don't you try summoning them with the dark energy infused into the Millennium Puzzle by Hitler's Brain?"

"Of course!" Yami shouted, mouth agape with revelation. "That's not a stupid or confusing plot device at all!" Yami then searched through his deck, until he found just the card he needed.

"Gaia the Fierce Knight!" Yami shouted, holding the card into the sky. A black bolt of energy shot out of the card, materializing as an enormous and armored stallion being ridden by a dark, muscular knight wielding a heavy jousting javelin. "Attack the Predator with your Fierce Charge attack!"

The Predator's silver mask contorted with the underlying expression of 'oh-shit-ness', as Gaia the Fierce Knight's javelin burst through its chest, showering its compatriots with its neon green blood. They each, in turn, looked to one another, like those three funny old guys in the ZZ Top videos, before turning back to Yami and his knight. They then each produced a weapon and charged.

Gaia's steed managed to rear up before Yami, and kick two of the Predators in the face with its diamond-like hooves, shattering their skulls and cracking their necks. One Predator, however, managed to survive, and impaled Gaia's horse on his spear.

With Gaia and his mount disappearing back into the Shadow Realm, Yami searched his deck for another card, as the last Predator rushed towards him, bloody spear held firmly before it.

"Ah-ha!" Yami cried, holding the card into the air. "I activate Trap Hole!" As the words left Yami's lips and the dark energy shot out of the card, the Predator leapt high into the air, arms extended and spear at the ready. It soared high, before it slowly began to arc downward. Yami stepped back, hoping the Predator's ankle would break or something, until it became clear. The Predator would not make the jump.

It came down quick, its claws reaching outward for the lip of the pit, which lay a good six inches out of reach. Unleashing a loud and painful cry of anguish, its body landed at the bottom of the pit with a loud crack, every one of its bones shattered.

"Did you see that, Yugi?" Yami asked, raising one fist into the sky not realizing it was the symbol for black power. "That Predator went down like Monica Lewinski!"

"Hey, Yami, check it out!" Yugi said, as he pedaled his legs in the air. "I'm riding an invisible bicycle!"

"While you're being retarded, I'll think of a way to find our friends and help them defeat Shao Kahn." Yami said, scratching his chin. This meant he was pensive. Like, _super_ pensive. After a few minutes of deliberating to the soundtrack of a million Fantasy characters murdering each other brutally, Yami looked up at Mount Doom. "Hey, maybe up there we can get a good view of the battlefield and see where everyone is."

"Didn't Raiden mention something about Shao Kahn being at the peak of Mount Doom?" Yugi asked, still pedaling his invisible bicycle.

"No, not at all. What a stupid thing to say. You must be high on crack." Yami said to his friend as he began to hike up to Mount Doom's peak.

In another spot on the battlefield, Harry and Kung Lao were tag-teaming the most malicious and unfunny animated characters of all time.

"Let's go, M.A.S.K. team!" Cried a tall, blonde-haired mensch in red. "Mobile Armored Strike Kommand!"

"Who the hell is that guy?' Kung Lao asked, pummeling the ever-loving crap out of a small boy in a black spandex space suit. "Answer me!"

"He's Matt Trakker, the leader of M.A.S.K.!" The small boy cried, as Kung Lao let his tiny crumpled body fall to the sandy ground.

"Okay, Trakker," warned Harry, "you're about to get a spelling lesson…_in pain_!"

"Not likely, child abusers!" Trakker laughed, just as a fat black guy driving a mini-van pulled up. "See this van? It transforms!" Trakker snapped his fingers and the van turned into a high-power cyber battle suit, with which the fat black guy could now finally dance.

"So you're a Transformers rip-off or something?" Harry asked.

"Ha! They wish! Check these out!" Trakker then produced a large, cumbersome red helmet that looked a lot like the ones the Cylons used to wear in the old Battlestar Galactica. "These are our masks! They've got Ancient Egyptian Magic, and also Martian technology!"

"That's clearly a helmet." Kung Lao said.

"Bitch, please. These have lights on top of them." Trakker began flicking a red light attached to his 'mask' on and off into Kung Lao's eyes. "Ever seen a helmet that can do that?"

Kung Lao turned away from the incessant blinking and looked at Harry, who from beneath coke bottle glasses gave him a look of pure 'kill-the-prick'-ness. That's when the pummelings began.

Moments later, when Trakker, the fat black guy and that little kid who was such an offensive Mexican stereotype that he was removed after one episode and replaced with some dorky punk that looked like Wil Wheaton were beaten to death, Kung Lao looked up at Mount Doom, and saw that Blade and Yami were both hiking to the summit from opposite ends.

"They're heading for the top." Kung Lao told Harry. "We must join them, and help them defeat Shao Kahn."

"Hold on, let's see if that chick from _Spy Kids_ is here. She's gotta be legal by now." Harry said, looking around the battlefield.


End file.
